U.S. TO BEGIN BOMBING ENGLAND UNLESS PEACE ACCORD IS
RATIFIED BY ENGLAND AND BREAK-AWAY PROVINCE OF N. IRELAND
The White House -- President Clinton announced today that an
all out bombing offensive against England will begin in two
weeks, unless a peace accord is ratified by England and its
break-away province of Northern Ireland. Along with
liberating Northern Ireland, the President said that all
British culinary institutes would be fair game for bombing.
After the attack, NATO peace keeping troops will be sent in
to ensure that all dentists can operate safely and without
the threat of attack.
"Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo intervention,
we have decided to add, incrementally, to the list of peace
initiatives around the world," he said in a prepared statement.
A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the
Clinton administration would intervene in the following areas:
Week one -- Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland, and
to destroy the legendarily bad cuisine fabrication facilities.
Week two -- Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free the
Kurds. Oh yeah, letís not forget all of the oil reserves we
Week three -- Bombing of several random African countries to
stop the Hutus from killing Tutsis.
Week four -- Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve the
Cyprus problem, and end the argument over whether Socrates was
actually homosexual or not.
Week five -- Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country, also
to shut up the people at PETA because one target would be the
bull fighting rings.
Week six -- Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quebecois.
Week seven -- Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands.
Week eight -- Bombing of Switzerland because it is due time that
they were bullied.
Week nine -- Bombing of Paris to free Corsica, and those wishing
to use deodorant and razors.
Week ten -- Bombing of Washington, D.C. to free the Confederate of
Southern States, held captive for 139 years, and to free up more
Senate seats for Hillary to possibly run for.
Week eleven -- Bombing of North Dakota so that South Dakota might
finally be recognized as a "real" state.
"This schedule will do until we can come up with others," said
Madeline Albright, Secretary of State.
When asked whether or not the US would bomb Beijing in order to
free Tibet she responded, "something that practical would never
be on a military agenda."