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Punjab Airlines

"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen.
This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to
Punjab Airways. We apologize for the four day delay in taking off,
owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the bakery.
           
This is flight one two six flight to New Delhi.
Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in
the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your
village!
           
Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety.
In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are
afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure I announce that starting
this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination.
(I presume that the other 50% were the terrorists themselves!!!)
For the ones that don't quiet make it, Punjab Airways staff  have all
the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our
Stewardesses Bubbly and Goldie will be happy to brief you on our
out-of-court settlement policies.
           
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger
request, we can arrange to turn them off ! To make your free fall to
earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and
biscuits !

For our religious passengers, we are the only  airline who
can help you find out if there really is a God!
           
We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight
movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the
television.

But for our movie buff, we will be flying right next to Air India,
where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin
window.
           
There is no-smoking in this airplane. Any smoke you
see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines
telling us to slow down!
           
Life jacket are positioned under your seats and free
bathing costumes  are made available to the aunties and swimming
shorts to the uncles, for emergency jumps!
           
In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly
as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little
too close do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right
through the landmark !
           
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright
position for  take off and fasten your belt. For those of you who
can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your
seat.

And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in
touch with a flight attendant for your suitcase.
           
Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to  attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to 
the cock pit.
           
Thank you for choosing Punjab Airways. HAVE A NICE JOURNEY.