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Rules for making INDIAN Movies

             1. If the number of heroes is not equal to the
number of heroines, 
             the excess heroes/heroines will 
             - die 
             - join the Red Cross and take off to
Switzerland before the end of the movie. 

             2. If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will
fight each other savegely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they 
are brothers). 

             3. Any court scene will have the dialogue
"Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, 
it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled. 

             4. The hero's sister will usually marry the
hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by
the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide. 

             5. In a chase, the hero will always overtake the
villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot. 

             6. When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will
             - miss 
             - run out of bullets. 
             When the villain fires at the hero, he will
always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule). 

             7. Any fight sequence shall take place in the
vicinity of a stack of 
             - pots 
             - barrels 
             - glass bottles, which will be smashed to

             8. Any movie involving lost+found brothers will
have a song sung by 
             - the brothers 
             - their blind mother (but of course, she has to
be blind in order to regain her sight in theclimax) 
             - the family dog/cat. 
             The amazing thing is that these folks
remember the song after 20 years in the movie, and you can't
remember it 2 minutes after coming out of the theatre. 

             9. Police inspectors (when not played by the
hero) come in three categories: 
             - Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's
father - killed by the villain before the titles. 
             - Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as
in rule), saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte",
only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's
daughter is in love with the anti-hero. 
             - The corrupt inspector, (usually the real
villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the
hero(s) in the climax.